it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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