you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Randomize
