I didn't shave. On purpose
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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