so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
