who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
