My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
