Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Randomize
