I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
