I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
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He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
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Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
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