just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
