you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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