Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
