I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
