There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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