i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
