never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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