You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
