I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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