An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
