I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
