Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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