I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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