I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
