btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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