This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
