I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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