Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
