No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
