Need sex. Gaining weight.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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