I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
