Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
