Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
