1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
