ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
