dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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