I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
