why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
