i just sent this text using only my big toe
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
