Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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