I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Welp...herpes.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
