Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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