I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
