What a fucking waste of an outfit
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
