In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
