I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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