I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
