I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
