i love accidental penises.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
