please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
