my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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