non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
