is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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