apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
