I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
