Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
