just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize