I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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