Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
worst night to have a conscience
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
