apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
