I swear she didn't look like that last week.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
she smelled like a LAN party
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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