They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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