I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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