I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
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just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
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My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.