I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
