Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
