that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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