He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Randomize
