a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
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Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
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Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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